Being

Photo: CA Hawthorne

Photo: CA Hawthorne

Trying to be strong,
trying to be…
trying to be everything,
everything I ought to be for those in need;
telling myself I ought to be stronger,
braver,
more of what everyone needs.

But the pain returns,
the relentless pain…
the pain inside,
inside and lacking a source I can identify,
lacking a reason to be,
to exist,
tears stretching for hours and then for days.

Yet, more than the pain,
the hurt…
than not being enough,
enough for the person I ought to be,
is not leading,
is failing,
failing to quell the pain and help those who need.

©November 2014, Christina Anne Hawthorne

9 Replies to “Being”

  1. I am hoping and praying you can get on top of this Christina. I know how hard it is for you and people just don’t understand how much pain there is. My brother carried his around until he could not do it anymore. You are an amazing, strong and talented woman and Im hoping the days become easier and life gets back on track, Hugs from afar, take one day at a time. I may be far away but I feel your pain like you are sitting in the room with me. I wish I could take a walk with you and lesson your pain xxx

    • Thank you so much, Kath. I’m on the upswing at the moment, but these cycles, or what seem like cycles, are wearing me down. It’s reaching a point where I don’t enjoy the good times because I’m waiting for my life to crash again. I refuse to go on like that. Therefore, I’m looking to make changes—not sure what those are—to be in a better position to smooth over the bad times. Yes, I walk and practice mindfulness/yoga, but this year there have been three times when I crashed so fast I didn’t see it coming. That has to stop. I got lucky this last time, very lucky.

  2. Kath said it beautifully. My son has depression, and it is very difficult for anyone to understand just how bleak and painful it is to deal with each and every day. I wish so much I could take it away, for you and for him, but all I can do is say I’m here, I care, you matter, and your light is strong. Keep fighting, Christine. You add so much beauty to this world. <3

    • Thank you, Angela, and you, too, said it beautifully. To know that you recognize what is going on with your son gives me chills because that support is so important. That support gives him a chance to lead, yes, a happy life. There’s nothing more important than a support network for those who suffer depression, yet it’s what most who suffer it lack. Early, educated intervention is crucial, but for those who are alone it doesn’t exist. I say “intervention” because I know what it is to reach that low where you would give anything for your life to end. I could hug you for your insight and caring. (((((Angela)))))

      • I am just so sorry for your burden, Christine. Depression is a terrible thing. I thank God that mental illness is something that is being discussed more and more. The more we acknowledge what it is and how many people it affects, the more we can support one another and find a way to live with it.

        You and your optimistic posts and photos on FB often picked me up when I felt down, and I want you to know so many care for you! Hugs! If there’s anything I can do, or lend an ear, never hesitate to get in touch. 🙂

  3. dear Christina,
    Your poetry is deep and yet I know that it is so real because it’s coming from your heart and soul. Anyone who has fought with depression knows that it is a dark evil that lurks within ones soul and can weigh you down like a heavy bag of groceries that you have to lug home up ten flights of stairs in the cold- then the bag rips. I battled with depression and fought for years when I was going through tough times, but please know that it does get better. Life if full of these trials that at times seem endless, but trust me my friend it does fade. Much love to you this cold Autumn eve…. Oxox

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and encouraging words, Keith. You describe the experience well. It’s a dark place indeed and the scariest thing is that I don’t recognize myself when I’m there. Thank you again.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*