Walking Through

Something a little different today. I’m writing this late on Monday for my normal poem posting on Tuesday. And if you’re expecting a poem for Tuesday please keep reading. It’s there. At the end.

But first I wanted a few words with you all before I share.

I never add explanations with my poems. Today I’m making an exception. Too, I rarely post a poem regarding the same topic twice in a row. Today, another exception.

May has been a rough month for many reasons. Yet, it was manageable until life threw a few too many punches in quick succession. That’s how life goes sometimes.

I saved myself because in a moment of clarity I clung to a thread and summoned what I know. Mindfulness. Gratitude. Meditation.

Now, I’ll help myself even more and share this post. The catch is the post isn’t really about me. It’s about you. It’s about a beacon of hope for others, a poem literally written at the moment I transitioned from no hope to walking through to the other side where there’s greater clarity.

Photo: CA Hawthorne

Photo: CA Hawthorne

If you suffer from depression you know what the view looks like far down the rabbit hole. It isn’t Wonderland.

One of my avenues to survival when there’s no one to talk to is writing. Usually poetry. Holding my emotions up for examination, owning them, and moving on. Escaping the trap that is the past and future requires mindfulness, no matter how tenuous the thread. Not surrendering to the negative thoughts, but instead facing and discarding them.

Anyway, a good cry while sitting on the bathroom floor (I have no idea why I always flee there) gave way to this poem, which was written on my iPhone at the moment I wrestled myself back into the present.

Hopefully it helps you. It helped me to write it.

—Walking Through—

The devil’s details,
elegant hand easy to understand
reassurances offered over fine wine
—while I chase my mind.

“Hide away.
Stay where it’s safe.
You know no one cares,
it’s always been that way.
Cry your tears and embrace your fears,
they’ll only hurt you again.
Stay.”

So easy to end it there,
to just hit send.

I can’t.
I won’t.
Now,
in this moment,
firmly in the grip of the Big D—
I refuse.

Damned if I’m not remembering all I’ve learned.
Mindfulness, all my tools.
Yes, I refuse.
I’ll say it again because I need to.
Yes, I’ll. Walk. Through.
This is just a moment
and depression twists the truth.
I’ll walk through to the other side.
No glee there, just me
with a clearer mind.
I can, I will, I must.
I’m not done
because there’s no done in living.
On the other side is the truth depression wants to hide:
The moment you remember to believe in yourself you leave depression behind.

©May 2017, Christina Anne Hawthorne

Photo: CA Hawthorne

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