If you’re a cat owner then you know what it’s like holding a conversation with your cat. Cat logic. Cat rationalizations. Cat accusations. Cat recriminations. Cat insults. It’s frustrating sometimes. Of course, those who don’t have cats, and maybe even some who do have cats, think such conversations are a product of the unstable mind. So, to prove otherwise, and so others know they aren’t alone, I transcribed my last conversation with Misha…
ME: What’re you doing?
MISHA: Mrrow. What?
ME: You’re streaking back and forth through the apartment for no reason.
MISHA: Mrrow. That’s your perception.
ME: Then what’s your reason?
MISHA: Mrrow. It’s the treats.
ME: The cat treats? What, do they have caffeine in them, or something?”
MISHA: Mrrow. You said it. I didn’t.
ME: There isn’t caffeine in the cat treats. Anyway, what do you know about caffeine?
MISHA: Mrrow. Everything I know about it I learned from watching you.
ME: (Face palm.) Okay, then explain why you just spent five minutes sitting in the tub. What were you doing in there?
MISHA: Mrrow. It’s private. You like privacy in the bathroom.
ME: Which I never get.
MISHA: Mrrow. That’s because you’re slow when you run to the bathroom.
ME: I don’t run.
MISHA: Mrrow. I just said that. Feed me.
ME: It isn’t time and I’m washing dishes. Go find a bug or something.
MISHA: Mrrow. There aren’t any. What kind of dump did you move us into where there aren’t any bugs to hunt?
ME: It’s clean.
MISHA: Mrrow. I’m clean because I spend hours each day working at it. You, not so much.
ME: That was mean!
MISHA: Mrrow. Feed me.
ME: No! Good gosh, you’re selfish.
MISHA: Mrrow. I live in the moment. I’m not selfish.
ME: You are.
MISHA: Mrrow. Not.
ME: You are!
MISHA: Mrrow. Nope.
ME: YOU ARE!
MISHA: Mrrow. Don’t think so.
ME: Fine then.
MISHA: Mrrow. What?
ME: I said, FINE! Good gosh…
MISHA: (Head whips around.) Mrrow. What was that?
ME: A noise.
MISHA: Mrrow. It sounded suspicious.
ME: Everything sounds suspicious to you.
MISHA: Mrrow. It sounded like someone was trying to get in.
ME: It’s your cat imagination.
MISHA: Mrrow. I don’t imagine, I know.
ME: Like you know there’s something on the wall, but there isn’t? So you sit and stare at nothing until I tell you to stop.
MISHA: Mrrow. Sounds are different.
ME: H’m, well, maybe its the bad people going from door-to-door to collect all the little gray cats. Gee, what do you know, you’re a little gray cat. (Sticks out tongue.)
MISHA: Mrrow. You’re especially twisted for a human. It’s your most redeeming quality.
ME: H’m, why don’t you go play with your brother?
MISHA: Mrrow. He won’t play with me.
ME: Might that have something to do with you leaving scratches on his face? Or maybe it’s because you jump on his back when he doesn’t know you’re around? Or maybe it’s how you hide in the window when he actually does want to play.
MISHA: Mrrow. That’s clever of me.
ME: It’s strange.
MISHA: Mrrow. Great intellect is always viewed as strange.
ME: Where do you come up with this stuff?
MISHA: Mrrow. You wouldn’t understand.
ME: Well, you’ll understand plenty when you make him angry and pins you on your back like he does when he’s had enough. He’s twice your size. You’ll have a lot to cry about then. Well, you could go look at yourself in the bathroom mirror. You like to do that. Better yet, why don’t you go look out the window? Maybe there are birds on the grass.
MISHA: Mrrow. The glass is in the way, glass you refuse to remove. I can’t kill anything.
ME: (Rolls eyes.) Fine. I’ll remove the glass so the eagles and hawks can swoop down and pick you up. Bye, bye Misha. You want that?
MISHA: Mrrow. I thought you were supposed to protect me?
ME: Me? What about you? What do you protect me from?
MISHA: Mrrow. Spiders.
ME: Yeah, okay, I’ll concede that one. What about big things? Thieves? Bears? Maybe I should get a dog. You have dog cousins, you know.
MISHA: Mrrow. I’m better than a dog for you. I purr, I patrol for spiders, and I put up with your conversations.
ME: Sometimes I think these conversations are in my head.
MISHA: Mrrow. Which means…
ME: (Stops washing dishes.) Hungry? Do you want to eat? How about I feed you now.